My American Life: See No Evil

So, the topic this week is when people experience something awkward, distressing, or uncomfortable they pretend that everything is okay.

The first thing that jumps into my mind is how it takes a lot...A LOT to make me finally blow up and tell someone what I think. I can take a lot of annoyances, heartache, and grief before I actually stand up for myself. Somebody can irritate me or make me mad and I just keep it bottled up inside until finally one day I explode like Mt. St. Helens. I usually try to avoid contact with the perpetrator and if I have to make contact I usually put on my Stepford Wife smile and grit my teeth and make nice...hoping that the perpetrator has no idea of the boiling geyser that is bubbling inside. If this continues it is exactly like the famous geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I spew my emotions out with such force that people would probably pay and take pictures to see the "Jen that is so nice" blow her top. Mostly I just come home and blow my top to my poor husband and my true friends. Luckily for the people that I love I do not blow my top as faithfully as Old Faithful...every hour. I believe that I have only truly blown my top about 3 times in my whole life. Therefore, you can imagine the toll that this is taking on my innerds. I believe there are a few words to describe me here. "Two faced" and "fake." I am prepared to accept this.

The second thing that came to mind is that when I feel awkward around somebody I tend to go about my business as if they are not there. I don't make eye contact at all. In Salmon, we love to take our dog to the dog park to run around joyfully, with tongue hanging out, slobber flung up on his head, mouth opened into a smile, panting, loving every millisecond that he is there to socialize with other dogs, smell new bums, pee on new rocks, and chase the same old ducks. Unfortunately for me it is right next to a skate park. I try to be accepting of skaters. I grew up idolizing skaters because I thought they were just so rad! But, deep down I feel terribly awkward around the people that socialize there. I cope with that by pretending they are not there. You could say that I find my happy place.

The third thing that comes to mind is whenever somebody gets/got mad at me: my mom, a teacher, etc I cannot help but smile and laugh. I don't know where this comes from, but I cannot help it. I think maybe it is because I feel awkward so I don't know what to do so I laugh. It's not that I think it is funny by any means, but I just can't help myself. I can remember my mother getting so mad or should I say more mad because I was laughing after she gave me a tongue lashing. Sometimes too, I find that same stupid smile creeping onto my face after someone has told me terrible news like, "My father has cancer," "We are foreclosing on our house," "So and so are getting divorced." I don't know why this is. It's not that I find these things funny by any means. Inside I am aching for these people but I have to conscientiously tell myself, "Wipe the smile off your face, stupid." I try to make my forehead, eyebrows, and eyes make up for this uncontrollable phenomenon by furrowing and wrinkling...but to no avail.

The End.